I have an uncle who I believe may have aspired to be John Wayne. When I was five, he and my dad taught me to ride a horse. Uncle John Wayne was quite the character. He seemed like such a bad ass cowboy. I recall the ranch he had in Southeastern New Mexico as one of the grandest things I have experienced in my life. A lot of the knowledge I carry today regarding horses and their care came from him.
As an adult, I see Uncle John Wayne as a fairly right wing kinda guy. Somewhat conservative, yet lovable for the most part. I recall a time when he and my aunt moved to southern Texas down on the Rio Grande. When he would come back to the Midwest for a family visit, he told tales of the happenings in his new locale. How there were daily potshots taken by hidden weaponry on the other side of the river. He told stories about the people crossing in desperation to find a new way of life in the grand ol’ U.S. of A. One of the stories told, wasn’t spoken in front of the children. To go back further, my uncle, always advocated for the invasion of Mexico. I never knew why until I was about twelve. Then I was told the story.
There happened to be a day, when the potshots weren’t just potshots. There was a steady rain of bullets falling down on their Rio Grande farm. My aunt and uncle took refuge in their home as best as they could. My uncle firing back, trying to be mindful of conserving ammunition. My uncle had snuck a peek out the window and had noticed his best horse bleeding rather profusely. It was about this time that some of the people from the other side of the river had snuck toward the farm. Eventually, they made their way into the house. The attackers, if you will, beat the hell out of John Wayne. He was pistol whipped and such. Once he was beaten down, he was tied to a chair. After being tied up and bloodied, they repeatedly raped my aunt in front of him. I am sure there was plenty of cussing and spitting to last a lifetime. The horse that was bloodied had a slug buried in him. A local vet and my uncle pulled the lead out. Later on down the road, my aunt knitted a purple heart for that horse, which contained the slug at the center of it. My uncle hung the purple heart in his home, displayed as if it were his own.
Where does Colonel Blue Balls fit into this? John Wayne, in time, became known as Colonel Blue Balls. Today, we refer to him simply as the Colonel. You see, John Wayne eventually moved to Colorado and was the head man in charge at a dude ranch. I recall him always bitching and complaining when talking of time spent with the tourists. He had hired hands who would saddle up all of the horses for the tourists, so he wasn’t as busy with those tasks. His main job was as a trail boss, leading the tourists on their meandering trails through the Rocky Mountains. On one such day, Uncle John was doing his best to keep the minion on the trail and orderly. He would ride from front to back yelling orders and barking loudly. My guess is that he had many complaints about his treatment or mistreatment of the guests of the ranch. He would lead the tourists through the mountains and they had various stops that they would make. On one particular stop, Uncle John Wayne strolled over to the tourists to give them their orders, the what for and directions. As the stoic figure made his way toward the tourist circle, a gay man who was riding in the string said…
“Well, well, well if it isn’t Colonel Blue Balls himself.”
This was said in reference to the riding chaps that Colonel Blue Balls was wearing. Riding chaps are made of leather and are to help protect your legs when riding. You wear them over your jeans,but, they are crotchless so to speak. One bitter cowboy wearing chaps, please meet the gay man tired of your shit.
Good ol’ Colonel Blue Balls.
